At this rate...

Time has been zipping past so fast that at this rate, I'm never going to get to experience life.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to fast forward and rewind what you like?

I feel like a child at times. I just want to explode and disappear like a bubble popping sometimes. Sometimes I wish I were as airheaded and brainless as a bubble. How fantastic it is to not have a brain hey?

Anxiety

Anxiety is a a scary, frightful thing. Your heart beats uncontrollably, crescendoing and amplifying as each second passes, giving the impression that it's just about to spill our of your nose. Then the throat gets dry, and stuck, stiff as if someone has shoved cement down your throat. Swallowing becomes akin to rubbing sandpaper on granite, and the lump never seems to go away even after each swallow. Your voice cracks and comes out with such an uncontrollable quiver such that you think you'll never be able to calm that vocal earthquake. Then you realise that you have to think. The thoughts just fly, ramble, zip zoom and spawn like a overflowing store cupboard that has been accidentally opened. There's no longer rationality. All reminders and mental notes are thrown out of the mental window like a piece of rubbish. You find yourself just fighting and struggling to stay afloat all that chaos, like a drowning cat in the turbulent sea. Muscles you never knew existed tense and contract and spasm. Soon my forehead aches because of the frown. My shoulders arch to the extent of Frankenstein-ness and the teeth clench, gnash and bite. fingers get clumsy and jittery as you try to operate something as simple as the keyboard.

A million things go through your mind. Even writing them in hope of seeing some organisation fails to allay the worry. The stress. The anxiety. Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety.

Cancer shouldn't be the number one killer, I reckon stress is.




I just want to go home and never have to face the world again. Sometimes being a cow, pig or any other source of meat doesn't seem such a bad idea after all.

Milestones

This semester's courses begin getting more and more relevant and interesting. There's one about voice disorders, child speech and language disorders, boring physiology and one about child development. You know how people always talk about milestones in relation to children? For example, when they first smile (5-6 weeks), sit up on their own (5-6 months), crawl (9-12 months) walk (12 months) and all that stuff which makes everyone go ''Oooo!!! Clever boy!! Know how to pang sai already!!''

Yeah, those milestones.

I feel as if we all have milestones of our own, set by parents, ourselves, and society especially. When we enter university, when we learn how to drive, when we learn to cook for ourselves, do our own laundry, stop sleeping in the same bed as mummy, or stop having that smelly old bolster. Basically, when we suck it in and grow up. Sometimes I wonder when I'll grow up. People might say I'm independant or mature or able to handle myself and things in general, (yes I'm bragging, but wait, there's more to come!) but put me in a place where I feel safe and comfortable and I become a total baby. For instance, put me in my room and I cling on to my bolster( affectionately called booboo) for dear life and sniff up all the dust mites embedded in the 17 year old cotton. Or let me go back to Singapore and I'm STILL share a room and bed with my mum even though there's another room. I'm not embarressed to say I still sleep in the same room as my mum, cos I know if I don't, she'll whine and scream and shout like a kid. (For those of you who know my mum, you know how much she acts cute la). But I feel it's the least I can do for her because that's one of the few things she asks of me; to not leave her alone at night when I'm back in Singapore. It's amazing how I still feel a child even though I'm going to be 21 this year.